


longing makes me regret

by thisismydesignn



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Break Up, Regret, Songwriting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26508568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisismydesignn/pseuds/thisismydesignn
Summary: Changbin breaks up with Felix on a Thursday.He regrets it by Friday.(Inspired by 미친 놈 (Ex)).
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 106





	longing makes me regret

Changbin breaks up with Felix on a Thursday.  
  
He regrets it by Friday.  
  
“This doesn’t have to change anything,” he’d said, like an idiot; _doesn’t have to change anything_ , like he thinks Felix will continue to hold his hand, drape his legs over Changbin’s thighs, slip between his sheets on the nights he can’t sleep. He’d broken things off because he felt like he was getting in too deep, like they both were, but now he misses it, misses _Felix_ in a way that makes him wonder whether he’s made the right choice.  
  
Still he keeps his distance—doesn’t want to hurt Felix more than he already has, even if that means hurting himself.  
  
But it’s not just him he’s hurting. The others notice, even if they say nothing; even if it takes Jisung glancing at him sidelong during a songwriting session months later and asking, “What’s going on with you and Lix?” for Changbin to realize.  
  
(He stumbles over a response that leaves them both dissatisfied. Jisung huffs out a breath, tells him in no uncertain terms that they should figure it out.  
  
Jisung may be his dongsaeng, but there’s a reason Changbin has never treated him as such. He’s right. Changbin knows he’s right.)  
  
He starts small. Asks Felix to speak to him in English, responds in English even when Felix uses Korean; he wants to know the language, but he wants to know Felix more. Wants to understand the nuance in his words when he speaks about the things that make him happy (a lyric he loves, a dish that turned out well), the things that make him sad (his parents’ disappointment, the scars on his arms). The things that make him who he is.  
  
It works, the warmth returning to Felix’s smiles, and every day, Changbin regrets his choice a little bit more.  
  
So he does what he does best: he puts it down on paper, in his phone, the lyrics coming in fits and starts. He brings it to Chan, the first verse, the chorus, and Chan—Chan knows. Chan’s always known about them, Changbin thinks, even if it hadn’t lasted long enough to become a real conversation, and that’s just another on a long list of regrets.  
  
(Chan knows about him, of course. Has known for years, since one too-late night in the studio, eyes bleary, hearts heavy with the thought that they might finally, _finally_ debut, what that would mean, for the team, for them. They’d talked about any and everything, except the things they hadn’t, until: “Binnie...Binnie, do you like boys?”  
  
Soft, straightforward, and if it were anyone else, Changbin would have played his cards close to his chest, kept the truth guarded, even if the fact that he was asking meant that he already knew. It was Chan, though, and—a shaking exhale, a nod, and that was enough, Chan offering reassurances that Changbin didn’t need but Chan needed to say. A little bit awkward, but Changbin knew he meant well.  
  
He regrets many things, but that night has never been one of them.)  
  
“I’m stuck on the second verse,” Changbin admits. “I’ll help,” Chan says, because he always does, always will, but— “But I think you should take this one to Felix first.”  
  
Changbin does. Listens as Felix’s tongue trips over the words, knowing it’s nothing to do with the Korean pronunciation, this time. He’s stealing glances as Felix stares down at the lyrics, like he’s making sure he understands before he looks up to meet Changbin’s gaze. “Is this—”  
  
He doesn’t finish the question, doesn’t want to assume, but Changbin nods, murmurs the apologies he never had the courage to say before. “I’m sorry. I thought this was for the best, us...breaking up. Me breaking up with you,” he amends, not letting himself off the hook. “I thought it would make things less complicated.”  
  
“Did it?”  
  
“Maybe. But I miss you.”  
  
“We see each other every day, hyung,” Felix says, uncertain. He knows what Changbin is saying—or rather, he thinks he does. Hopes he does, but he doesn’t dare to let himself be broken twice.  
  
“I _miss_ you, Yongbokie,” Changbin repeats—keeps his hands to himself even as he itches to reach out and take Felix’s, knowing he can’t be the one to make the first move. “I miss...us,” he says, in English this time, letting his gaze fall to Felix’s lips, just once, before returning to his eyes, to the constellation of freckles that dust his cheeks. He could look at Felix forever, if Felix would let him. He stays quiet.  
  
“I’ve missed you too,” Felix breathes, and he looks down at Changbin’s phone in his hand, the screen’s glow dimming over the lyrics that have already worked their way under his skin. He wants, he _knows_ what he wants, but he won’t let himself be reckless this time. “Can I...can I think about this for a while?”  
  
“Of course,” Changbin tells him, the English coming more naturally than the Korean, somehow. Felix hands his phone back, trying not to notice the way their fingers brush. “What’s the song called?” he asks, and Changbin hasn’t run _this_ by Chan yet, doesn’t know if they’ll get away with it, but: “‘Crazy Bastard,’” he tells him, and it’s worth it just for the laugh that startles out of Felix, the way his eyes crinkle in amusement.  
  
(If friends is all they end up being, Changbin thinks, that’s okay. As long as Felix keeps smiling, it’s okay.)  
  


* * *

  
They’ve finished recording the song, just the two of them left in the studio as Changbin packs up the last of his gear. Felix waits, leaning against the wall as he watches Changbin. He’s nearly finished when Felix crosses the room, his fingers circling Changbin’s wrist loosely, startling him just a bit. The pen he’s holding falls from his hand as he turns to look up at Felix, careful not to pull out of his grasp. “Wh—”  
  
Felix is close, closer than he’s been in months. Close enough that Changbin can count every freckle, and as the realization dawns, hope sparks in his gaze, tugging at the corners of his lips. He lets Felix close the distance between them first, kissing him the way he’d missed, Changbin’s hand curving instinctively around the back of his neck.  
  
Felix is smiling when he pulls back, just for a moment, just long enough to murmur, “ _My_ crazy bastard,” against his lips. He’s teasing, mischievous, but above all he’s _happy_.  
  
Changbin just grins and tugs him back in for another kiss.


End file.
